Why Losing Your Home to a Wildfire Can Feel So Hard to Recover From

Understanding Grief and Home Loss from an Attachment Perspective

Home is Where Your Heart Is:

We’ve all heard the phrase “Home is where the heart is.” In a very real sense, your home is a space you created for yourself and made into a space where you feel safe and secure, where you have a buffer from the chaos and uncontrollability of the outside world, where your hopes, dreams, goals, and creative spark are protected.

Your home is where you lay your head at night, dream your many dreams, ponder and plan what you want for your future and how to get there, and where you let down your emotional walls enough to let important others into your space and life, in order to build deep attachments and connections. At the core, your home really is where your “heart is” and in its most unguarded and carefree state.

Stages of Life, Homeownership, & “The American Dream”

Messaged as “the American Dream,” homeownership historically has represented an attainable path to “generational wealth,” and a way to pave the way to success for your future generations. Great significance has been placed on this idea that buying and owning a home is a hallmark of one’s “success,” serving as visual proof of financial and personal achievement. 

Purchasing a home is seen as tangible evidence of financial success, that someone has earned enough, made enough sacrifices of short-term fun in favor of long-term, sustained fiscally responsible decision making, to be able to afford a down payment and meet the criteria of “qualified buyer” for banks to deem them worthy of a large loan.

Those who became homeowners later in life, after moving out of their childhood homes and neighborhoods, likely heard messages common to American society and the American experience while growing up about the importance of homeownership (“with a white picket fence”) being one of the most important hallmarks of what “success” looks like, alongside marriage, and having “2.5” kids. Although the specific ingredients have undergone some changes over the decades, the core ingredient of homeownership has remained the same.

Purchasing a home is also viewed as tangible evidence of personal achievement. Becoming a homeowner is a signal of having reached a new stage of life- demonstrating to society at large that they have successfully “made it“ to a place in life where they are ready to transition out of previous stages of childhood, adolescence, and young adulthood- during which impulsivity, being self-centered and short-sighted, seeking excitement and new experiences over routine and long-term goals, and living a lifestyle of untethered and minimally restrained freedom to choose- is typical. 

During earlier stages, life typically involves a more nomadic existence- in which dorm living, short-term rentals, roommate situations, subletting, vacation rentals, last-minute decisions to drop everything to go study abroad are all quite common. They typically have a significant amount of freedom and flexibility- to experiment, explore different jobs and professions, search for purpose, explore and get to know themselves and what does/doesn’t make them happy, and to move around searching for the “right” direction for their life.

Buying a home represents entering a new stage of life and signals to the world that you have successfully reached a greater level of maturity, and a phase of life in which you are now willing and able to make long-term commitments. 

In other areas of life, commitment typically means deciding to select one person to focus exclusively on in life, or one specific career path to focus on and pursue. However deciding to become a homeowner is also commitment, in that you are committing to a specific home in a specific community, committing to your decision to remain in one place and start putting down roots, committing to the investment of years of your life, your attention, and your energy, and committing to a long-term financial burden (mortgage payments, repairs, updates, designing, decorating). It gives you a sense of permanence, a space you plan to live in for years, and allows you the opportunity to transform it into your “Safe Haven”- a space where you feel comfortable, at ease, and safe.

It also becomes a buffer zone, with a physical barrier between you and the chaotic, uncontrollable outside world, where you control the barrier between the two, and decide for who, why, and under what circumstances, you will grant entrance into your cherished inner domain. For individuals who had early childhood experiences that included a lack of safety, loss, trauma, or abuse, the ability to own a home and create their own safe space inside may be their first experience with the sense of safety that they couldn’t access as a child.

People rarely make impulsive decisions when buying their first home, typically considering many different options and factors, and doing as much research as they can beforehand about the history of the home and the community surrounding it. 

So by the time you make an offer on a home, go through evaluations and inspections, close escrow, and sign the mountain of paperwork and contracts, an inordinate amount of time, energy, and mental and emotional investments (hopes, dreams, envisioning the future) have been poured into and tied to the purchase, creating an immediate emotionally significant attachment to the house.

By the time you move into that home, you’re already deeply attached- attached to the meaning homeownership holds for you, attached to how homeownership makes you feel about yourself and your achieved success, and attached to the multitude of hopes and possibilities for the future that have already begun to exist and spin within your excited and enthusiastically hopeful mind. 

What came before in that home does not matter, only what comes next, and how you will put the stamp of who you are on it. After all, a home is more than just a home. It’s an expression and extension of you, and is a window into how you want others to view you.

Community and the Interconnected Social Network

Because your home doesn’t exist in a vacuum, with homeownership comes an inclusion in the interconnected social network that exists within every community. After you move into your home and begin to put down roots, your daily life and sense of “normal” now include your neighborhood. It includes the streets you walk down, the parks you go to, the stores you frequent, the neighbors you pass by or get to know better, and the conversations you have with them.

Neighbors and residents that start off as strangers may become some of your closest friends, and with shared life and experiences happening all around you, many challenges, hardships, and successes become a shared group experience. Over time, your personal support system and social circle may be made entirely of your neighbors and nearby residents, as living near someone increases the chances you will have a positive view of them, and have more frequent opportunities to spend time deepening connections and relationships.

Human Nature, the Need for Connection, and Theories of Attachment

As humans, over the lifespan, the need for connection with others shapes our neural architecture, our responses to stress, our everyday emotional lives, and forms the basis for how we view ourselves, others, and the world in general. 

Longing for a felt sense of connection is a primary need, and for individuals who have healthy experiences in childhood of being cared for, supported, and protected by dependable parental figures, a secure connection (with parent) is formed, one that shapes balanced, adjusted human beings who then have better relationships with loved ones and friends, which then fosters ongoing mental health, adjustment, and greater ability to relate to others, over the course of their lives.

These individuals develop healthy abilities to connect with others, which is referred to as “Secure Attachment” or “Secure Attachment Style.” Individuals with a Secure Attachment have well-regulated emotions, good self-control, are able to be independent without fear, are willing and able to seek support from others, are able to acknowledge and communicate needs, send clear, coherent messages, reach out for and take care, form and develop close, meaningful relationships, and can both give love and recognize love from others.

Individuals who grew up in environments of chronic instability or unpredictability, and didn’t experience caregivers who were safe, dependable, caring, or supportive, did not experience the development of a secure connection with their caregivers.

These individuals experienced what is referred to as an “Attachment Trauma.” Attachment Trauma is the harm caused to a child when early bonds with primary caregivers are severely disrupted by abuse, neglect, or inconsistent care. This can have a life-long impact on how they view themselves and others, how they view the world, and can severely impact later adult relationships by creating deep-seated insecurity, trust issues, and emotional dysregulation.

Instead of developing a healthy Secure Attachment Style, these individuals develop Insecure Attachment, often leading to anxious attachment (fear of abandonment, clinginess) or avoidant attachment (emotional distance, fear of intimacy), resulting in toxic cycles and difficulties forming secure bonds. 

Insecure Attachment Style leads to a host of problems, including low self-esteem, desire to be close to others, though fear others don’t want to be with them, having difficulty trusting others, experiencing separation as threatening, and fear of abandonment and loss. Often, individuals struggle to establish and maintain long-term relationships, fear rejection, see love as pain, and feel unworthy in relationships.

Individuals with Secure Attachment are better equipped to handle the challenges they face in life, including experiences of trauma or loss. They are significantly less likely to develop PTSD after a traumatic event and more likely to effectively process and manage their grief following a loss. 

This is because they have a foundation of self-confidence, independence, and are willing and able to reach out for and accept care and love during times of loss. They have a well-regulated fluid range of emotional responses to experiences, including those of grief, which allows them to better navigate its natural ebb and flow.

Individuals with Insecure Attachment are poorly equipped to effectively navigate significant life challenges, including experiences of trauma and loss. They are much more likely to develop PTSD after a traumatic event because they already have a history of chronic trauma in childhood, and a foundation of viewing the world as an unpredictable and unsafe place.

They are primed to struggle more and cope less effectively when faced with loss, experiencing separation or loss as threatening and destabilizing. They are more likely to react to loss by avoiding things, becoming overwhelmed, or getting stuck. They may try to stay overly busy in a time of loss to keep their distance from their own internal pain, or they may find that their grief preoccupies most of their thoughts or feelings.

Impacted by Wildfires

It started as a faint smell of smoke on the wind, and darkening smoke-filled skies, then a faint orange glow that became visible flames in the distance. News coverage that was barely alarming at first, “a small brush-fire has broken out, and emergency services are onsite” became a state of emergency declaration, minute-by-minute coverage of ever-expanding evacuation zones, the sounds of blaring sirens seemingly coming from every direction, and the growing awareness that this Wildfire had grown far out of control and created life-or-death situations for so many. Every resident’s sense of safety and security was threatened in those minutes, hours, and days.

What followed was panic and confusion, people out on the streets and in cars watching flames in the distance, having a shared community experience of grappling with the hard decision of whether to follow evacuation orders and flee, or to ignore them and remain in their homes and in the path of the fires, holding out hope that in doing so, by being physically present and continuing to hose down roofs and yards as the fires burned through their neighborhood, they might succeed in preventing their home from burning.

Eventually, it became clear to everyone that this fire was monstrous; old rules about “fire behavior” no longer applied, and the instinct for self-preservation won out.

Most people evacuated, only taking with them a few cherished possessions, leaving behind all their hopes, dreams, and roots.

As people evacuated their homes, they crossed paths with neighbors struggling with the same chaos, confusion, fear, and difficult choices, and as they drove away from their homes, they passed by so many familiar houses, stores, parks, and landmarks that were an integral part of their lives, making up their sense of safety and normalcy. 

From a distance, so many sat and watched news coverage, waiting, desperately hoping the worst would not happen, unable to intervene or control the outcome.

A long time later, much too long, all the flames were finally put out. The agony of that time, the space in between fearing and knowing, hoping and grieving, suspecting and confirming, took a toll on everyone, mentally and physically. 

Eventually, all were allowed to return to their homes, many returned to complete destruction. Some had homes that survived against all odds, but many of the homes that survived were on streets where most of their neighbor’s homes were gone.

All returned to neighborhoods that were irrevocably changed in some way.

In the end, not only were the physical communities destroyed, so were the interconnected social network of residents from the communities, abruptly dismantled and separated from the people and places that had been part of their daily experience and sense of normalcy, as residents were forced to relocate far and wide to find available safe “temporary” housing for the duration of the “rebuilding” phase.

Why the Grieving, Recovery, and Healing Process is Harder for Some People: Attachment, Loss, and Grief

Loss and the experience of grief can be conceptualized as an extension of the attachment system, as grief is a response to a loss event, causing separation distress. This grief is not just related to death; it is also related to non-death loss. The significance of a loss experience is determined by our attachment bond to the deceased person, pet, relationship, object, or experience that we’re experiencing deprivation from.

The sudden and catastrophic loss of a home and the interconnected social network of a community can be viewed through an attachment lens as an “Attachment Wound” which is a breakdown, disruption, or loss of an important source of attachment/connection. Grief is a process of navigating adjustment surrounding a significant loss or traumatic event in ways that help us survive, and learning to live in a post-loss world. It is through grief that we learn how to integrate a loss into our lives, and when we aren’t able to effectively grieve a loss, we often become paralyzed, immobilized, or stuck.

Looking at grief through the lens of attachment, it becomes evident that different attachment styles (Secure vs. Insecure) result in varying grief responses. Attachment styles may indicate how we will experience a wide range of emotional responses when grieving, such as sorrow, love, yearning, avoidance, anxiety, fear, confusion, anger, numbness, or despair.

Individuals with Secure Attachment Styles are better equipped to cope with grief, and to endure and recover from trauma and loss. They are more successful at reaching out for and activating their support systems when in need. New hurdles to seeking support don’t significantly impair them; they are able to successfully adapt to changed circumstances like physical distance and separation in order to continue to access the care and connection from their support system that they need, using different contact strategies than they have in the past, like texts, phone calls, Facetime.

For them, having a large community of friends and neighbors who all experienced the same trauma, and many who also lost everything to the Wildfires, is viewed positively. Awareness of this shared group experience becomes a source of strength and provides a level of comfort, knowing there are people they can reach out to and lean on in this time of need, who all went through the same event, and can understand and share the pain of that.

They are able to use the resources available to them, actively seek out and engage in opportunities to come together, communicate and share pain, provide and receive support, and be part of a group that makes up a larger whole, that carries the burden together, making the load feel lighter than it does for individuals who are isolated and left to carry a heavy burden alone.

The interpersonal difficulties experienced by individuals with Insecure Attachment Styles are further exacerbated by a traumatic experience, including the trauma of losing their home to a Wildfire. Already prone to having deep-seated insecurities in “normal times,” in times of disaster and catastrophe, these insecurities are heightened. 

During such times, it becomes more important and often imperative that you be able to reach out for and accept love, support, and help from the people around you.

For people who already struggle with reaching out and activating their support system during times of need, grappling with deep-rooted fears of being an unwelcome burden, or that they will either not be responded to, will be rejected, or worst, be left all alone to cope with an already unimaginable hardship, in times of catastrophe, this struggle is magnified. Their normal strategies of either clinging, numbing out, or running only serve to worsen their hardships and make recovery and rebuilding even more difficult. 

Already prone to emotional dysregulation, when faced with the impact of losing their home, these tendencies often worsen and begin to reach levels that begin to impair their ability to function and hinder their efforts to move past the trauma and begin to heal.

Do You Feel Like You’re Struggling to Recover More than Others?

If you feel like you are struggling more than you think is “normal,” feel severely impacted by what you experienced during and after the Wildfire, or feel like you are struggling more rather than less as time goes on, you are not alone. Losing your home and community to Wildfire is a life-changing loss, and the process of grief and recovery often isn’t simple, predictable, or linear.

Maybe you’ve tried talking about your pain and how stuck and heavy you’ve been feeling with other people, maybe in person, on the phone, or in Facebook groups, but have felt like others don’t fully hear or understand you, and have begun to feel that their experiences of recovery seem so much easier and further along than yours, making you feel uncomfortable and unsettled. 

You may have found yourself turning away from these spaces and connections more and more over time, fearful that your unwaveringly high level of pain and struggles are being viewed critically by others, fear that your negative and painful updates are becoming burdensome or unwelcome by the other people in these supportive spaces, who all seem to have more positive updates and progress to share than you, or you have been isolating more and being harder on yourself for the lack of progress you’ve made on your journey of recovery and rebuilding your life.

You’ve probably heard a lot of people talking about how they’ve eventually accepted what happened, grieved what was lost, let themselves feel pain and sadness, and ultimately get to a place where they are focusing on being grateful to have escaped with their lives and their health, and start to rebuild the homes that are “replaceable” objects. 

Hearing others talk about the progress of their rebuilds, even the red-tape and backlogs causing such headaches and anger, reminds you that you haven’t even been able to commit to a plan to rebuild, as you try to wrap your head around re-committing years of your life, and your cherished hopes and dreams, to the very location that is the site of your trauma, the source of your pain, exactly where and when your sense of safety and security was shattered.

You might also be finding it hard to actively reach out to people who used to be your support system. Maybe most of your support system were neighbors and nearby residents who lived through the same trauma and loss that you did, and so you avoid bringing up your own “stuff” to them for fear of over-burdening people already dealing with so much themselves.

Or maybe your home was only damaged rather than destroyed, and the neighbors that used to be your support systems lost their homes, and now you feel guilty about that difference in experience and feel unable to lean on them for support in the same way because you fear they would resent you for it.

Or maybe your support system is made up of friends and family that weren’t directly impacted by the Wildfires and you’ve been trying to reach out and lean on them for much needed support, but have been feeling like it is wasted effort, that they “just don’t get it,” and fear you “unloading” your pain feels like an unfair burden or imposition to them the longer you continue to struggle. Maybe you feel like other people in your life are “sick of hearing about it.”

Additionally, your typical methods of accessing your support system have changed. Where in the past, you may have been able to walk your dog down the street and knock on a door, head to the local park, or attend the annual block party, knowing you’d organically cross paths with neighbors and local residents that you could count on for support and advice, you are now physically separated from and no longer have opportunities for organic interactions to occur. 

Instead, in order to now access your support system, you have to take a more active role, taking intentional steps to reach out and make contact during times of distress, extra steps that may be hard for you to feel comfortable doing.

How Therapy Can Help

The Attachment Wound of losing your home and community to Wildfire can stop you in your tracks, hurt deeply, leave you feeling low, cause wide-ranging disruption to daily life, impact your sense of self, and damage the connections you have with other important people in your life. Healing from this attachment wound takes time, patience, and perseverance; it won’t happen overnight.

Being a uniquely impactful and traumatic loss experience, you may find that previously successful coping strategies are not working for you this time, your recovery journey doesn’t seem to be progressing, or you may feel like you’re struggling more rather than less as time goes on.

If you’ve come to the realization that your situation is not improving, recognize something needs to change, and that you may need to try something different in order to get a meaningful shift towards healing, professional therapy can help.

Professional therapy can:

• Provide a safe and supportive space in which to regain a sense of stability, peace, and control.

• Provide a source of support and guidance for your current struggles that is safe, objective, and entirely separate from your existing support system, which you may be struggling to reach out to or access at this time, due to unique hardships and hurdles related to the fires.

• Normalize your experience by learning about how the process of grieving, healing, and recovery is not linear and looks different for everyone.

• Help you to examine and better understand why the loss of your home has affected you so deeply and has had such a surprisingly wide-ranging impact on so many parts of your life.

• Help you re-examine your experiences from a new perspective and explore new approaches and strategies that may help you find a way through your pain.

• Help you explore and identify the underlying reasons you may be struggling to commit to various stages of the recovery/rebuilding process and the impact this has had on how your journey looks.

• Help you revisit your life history and developmental patterns in order to bring greater awareness to the disruption that has occurred in your life. To identify patterns you may be enacting without conscious awareness, as you try to learn how to cope and live with your loss.

• Provide an attachment framework for viewing your loss experience, in order to recognize how various attachment styles are life patterns that are trying to facilitate safety or survival. An awareness of attachment theory can support you in becoming less judgmental and more patient with yourself and with others in their own expressions of grief, and can help you develop greater self-compassion.

• Help you begin to move forward in a way that aligns with your unique healing journey.

Therapy for Wildfire Trauma & Loss at Navigating Rough Waters Therapy

Dr. Lara Kennerly, PsyD, is a licensed psychologist and the owner of her private practice, Navigating Rough Waters Therapy in Sacramento, California. 

She specializes in working with individuals in high-stress/high-risk roles (First Responders, Healthcare, Corrections), and adults impacted by the emotional and psychological aftermath of Wildfires. 

She offers in-person therapy in Sacramento and online therapy for adults across California.  Book a free 15-minute consultation to get started.

References

• Attachment Theory in Practice, Sue Johnson, (2019).

• Shelvock, M. (2022). Understanding Loss: Grief and Attachment Theory. Psychology Today.